~what is he thinking?~
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: ABOUT ME
OK....WHAT THE H, E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS IS HE THINKING? MY " HUSBAND " CALLS ME TONIGHT...OUT OF THE BLUE, AS YOU ALL KNOW HE ALMOST NEVER CALLS. OK...FOR THAT MAY NOT KNOW WE HAVE BEEN SEPERATED FOR A 3 YEARS BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON ME...SUPPOSEDLY GOT THE WOMAN PREGNANT, LEFT ME FOR HER....SHE KICKED HIM OUT AFTER 2 YEARS FOR ANOTHER GUY ( GO FIGURE )...* LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY*.....THEN COMES RUNNING BACK TO ME, ( LIKE I KNEW HE WOULD ), THEN...OH YEA ABONDONS US ALL...AKA LEAVES US HIGH AND DRY AS HE RUNS HOME 1000 MILES AWAY TO MOMMY. NOW ON WITH THE REAON IM SO HOPPING MAD...LITERALLY HOPPING HERE. HE CALLS TELLS ME IM ALL HE THINKS ABOUT ALL DAY FROM THE SECOND HE WAKES UP TO THE SECOND HE FALLS ASLEEP, THEN AFTER ME ITS HIS KIDS. I ASKED HIM WHY HE EVEN THINKS OF ME, HE IS EMOTIONALLY, AND PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE........ OH YEA NOT TO MENTION AN ALCOHOLIC. HIS ANSWER...TA DA.....HE LOVES ME, ALWAYS HAS. ( OK HERES ME SERIOUSLY DOUBTING THAT ) THEN HE PROCEDES TO BEG ME TO MOVE HOME.....HOME AS IN MAINE. I WOULD LOVE TO BE IN MAINE BUT NOT WITH HIM...NO WAY, NO HOW, HE MAKES ME A MEAN NASTY PERSON TO BE AROUND, AND I HATE WHO I AM WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER. I LOVE WHO I AM WHEN HE ISNT AROUND. I WASNT ME WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER........I WAS THIS AUDREY/JESSE BLOB THING, THEN WHEN HE LEFT US FOR HIS GF, I DISCOVERED I WAS AUDREY, NOT AUDREY/JESSE. I FOUND THAT I DIDNT LIKE ME WHEN IT WAS WE, BUT I DID FIND I LOVE ME WHEN IM NOT WE. I HAVE TOLD THIS TO HIM TO HIS FACE MANY TIMES. I CANT BE WITH SOMEONE THAT MAKES ME AN UGLY PERSON ON THE INSIDE AND A PERSON THAT WANTS TO HIDE FROM THE WORLD ON THE OUTSIDE. I WANT PEOPLE TO SEE WHO *I* AM NOT WHAT I WAS...I DONT WANNA BE THAT PERSON EVER AGAIN.

just some fun things i have
Mood:  sad
Topic: Memories

~LIGHT AT THE END OF MY TUNNEL~
Mood:  down
Topic: ABOUT ME
JUST RECENTLY I HAVE BEEN HAVE MORE SEIZURES AND MORE SERIOUS HEADACHES THAT THE MEDS IM GIVEN JUST DONT TOUCH. I SIT HERE DAY AFTER DAY WITH TEARS IN MY EYES AND WONDERING WHEN AND IF SOMEONE IS GOING TO TELL MEWHY I FEEL LIKE THIS. ALL THE TESTS THEY DO NEVER FIND ANYTHING YET WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I DO, ALL MY NEUROLOGIST SAY I CANT MAKE UP MY SYMPTOMS, NO ONE COULD. SO, WHY, OH WHY CANT ANYONE HELP ME OUT. MY KIDS ASK ME ALL THE TIME WHAT IS WRONG AND IM SO TIRED OF TELLING THEM I DONT KNOW......REALLY I DONT. SO WHAT DO I DO? SIT HERE AND WAIT TO MAYBE DIE? MY 4 YEAR OLD WATCHES MY SEIZURE AND JUST RUNS ABOUT LIKE NOTHING, DURING THE GRAND MALS HE DESTROYS THE HOUSE BECAUSE HE KNOWS ILL BE UNCONSCIOUS FOR HOURS. I WAKE UPWEAK AND TIRED AND COMPLETLY LOST, I WALK AROUND IN A LITERAL FOG. IM A SINGLE MOM AND IM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP ON ME OR MY KIDS. SO TELL ME WHATS A MOM TO DO WHEN SHE CANT CONTROL HER OWN BODY? WHEN SHE CANT SEE WHATS HAPPENING DURING A SEIZURE OR WORSE? I SEE MY NEUROLOIGIST SOON AND I HOPE HE EITHER GIVES ME HOPE OR HELP????? I DONT SEE A LIGHT AT THE END OF MY TUNNEL.

men....why and why not?
Mood:  not sure
Topic: LOVE
OK WHAT IS IT WITH ME LATELY?????? I BROKE UP WITH RAFI CUZ HE DROVE ME NUTS. NOW I HAVE JAMES WHO BELIEVE HE IS MY SOUL MATE AND THEN I MET JON. WHO YOU WILL SEE IN THIS PIC. JON CALLS ME EVERYDAY. SOMETIMES 15 TIMES A DAY AND WE ATLK FOR HOURS AT A TIME. HES A LOT LIKE JAMES. HES WILLING TO GIVE UP THINGS I DONT THINK JAMES CAN. IM CONFUSED TO A POINT OF EMOTIONAL LOSS. I LOVE JAMES AS A FRIEND BUT BEYOND THAT I REALLY DONT KNOW. I LIKE JON. HES SWEET AND FUNNY AND HE MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL. WHATS A WOMAN TO DO?? HERES THE FUNNY THING, I USUALLY AS A RULE ONLY DATE LATINO MEN, AND NEITHER OF THEM ARE LATINO. WHATS UP WITH THAT???? AM I GOING CRAZY? NO I AM NOT.......I JUST DONT CARE WHAT RACE SOMEONE IS I CARE ABOUT WHATS IN THEIR HEART. I JUST HAD TO GET SOME OF THIS ALL OUT. TYHANKS FOR READING OR WHATEVER.

the world according to ken
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: MY LKIDS
UNTIL VERY RECENTLY MY LIFE SEEMED TO BE SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL...I HAVE TO HELP FROM MY KIDS DAD AND SOMETIMES THINGS JUST SEEM TO FLY AT ME. WELL MY OLDEST SON PARTICIPATES IN THE BIG BROTHER/BIG SISTER PROGRAM AND HIS BROTHER IS THE BEST. HE HIMESLF IS GOING THROUGH PERSONNAL ISSUES BUT HAS TAKEN EVERY SECOND HE CAN SPARE TO HELP NOT JUST MY OLDEST CHILD, BUT THE WHOLE FAMILY. HE TAKES ALL FOUR OF MY BOYS TO PLACES AND TAKES THE WHOLE FAMILY OUT ON HIS BOAT. HE IS JUST THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY KIDS IN SUCH A LONG TIME. HE TOOK ALL THE BOYS LAST WEEKEND JUST SO I COULD HAVE A DATE WITH MY EX-BOYFRIEND.. WOW........I WAS SO BORED LOL......I EVEN CALLED JUST TO HEAR THE KIDS AND I KNEW THEY WERE IN VERY CAPABLE HANDS. THIS MAN...KEN..HAS BEEN THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO MY KIDS IN SO LONG. THEY FINALLY HAVE A MAN THEY CAN LOOK UP TO AND BE MODELED AFTER. THEY ALL ADORE HIM AND WE HAVE ALL OPENLY WELCOMED HIM INTO OUR HOME AND OUR HEARTS. HE IS VERY CALM AND RELAXING WITH THEM AND HAS MADE THEIR SELF-ESTEEM SOAR. HE HAS GIVEN ME A REASON TO BELIEVE THAT THEIR ARE GOOD PEOPLE EVERYWHERE AND SOMETIMES THEY JUST POP INTO YOUR LIFE JUST WHEN YOU NEEDED SOMETHING BUT YOU DIDNT KNOW YOU NEEDED IT. WELL I NEEDED SUPPORT IN MY LIFE AND I NEEDED SOMEONE BESIDES ME BEING THE BEST ROLE MODEL I CAN TO ALSO BE THERE AND I KNOW NOW THAT WE HAVE ALL FOUND WHAT WE DIDNT EVEN KNOW WE WERE MISSING. WELL NOW I FEEL WE ARENT MISSING MUCH OTHER THAN WHAT WILL EVENTUALLY COME TO US. SO KEN I KNOW YOUR OUT THERE AND I KNOW YOU LOVE THE KIDS TO DEATH SO THIS IS MY WAY OF SAYING THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING A PART OF ALL OUR LIVES.

~^*another sad day in the life of me*^~
Mood:  blue
Topic: ABOUT ME
TELL ME WHY IT IS I CAN NEVER FEEL ADEQUATE ENOUGH? I HAVE PONDERED THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND I CANT COME UP WITH A SIMPLE ANSWER TO THIS ONE SEEMLY EASY QUESTION. I WAS LOVEED BY MY MOM AS A KID. I HAD A MARRAIGE THAT STARTED OUT SUCCESSFUL ENOUGH THEN THROUGH BOTH OUR FAULTS FAILED AND IM NOT UPSET THAT IT DID REALLY IT WAS BEST FOR BOTH OF US IN THE LONG RUN. I HAVE STARTED A FEW RELATIONSHIPS SINCE MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE PARTED WAYS YET IM NEVER HAPPY WITH THEM. I ALWAYS FIND FAULT WITH EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON IN THE RELATIONSHIP.I ALWAYS WANT TO JUST PLEASE THE OTHER PERSON AND I DONT REALLY CARE AT ALL ABOUT MY NEEDS AND IF THEY GET MET OR NOT. I MEAN COME ON I STAYED WITH ONE GUY AFTER HE HIT ME BECAUSE HE SAID HE WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN AND THEN HE DID IT TWICE MORE YET I STAYED....WHY, CUZ HE CONVINCED ME IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE ELSE. PRETTY MUCH ANY MAN IVE BEEN WITH HAS HAD ME CONVINCED OF THAT. MAYBE THEY ARE RIGHT, I GIVE IN TOO QUICKLY TO THEM, I DO WHAT THEY WANT AND WHEN THEY SAY IF YOU DONT THEN ILL LEAVE I SAY OK ILL DO IT FOR YOU. NOTHING ILLEGAL MIND YOU JUST STUPID REQUESTS LIKE GET ME SOMETHING OR DONT CRY SO I DONT. I KNOW YOUR READING THIS AND YOUR THINKING THIS GIRL IS REALLY SERIOUSLY WRONG. YOUR RIGHT I GUESS I AM IM LOOKING FOR THE ONE THING IM AFRAID I MAY NEVER FIND IN THIS LIFE AND I THINK IM FINALLY TRYING TO ACCEPT THAT. I WAS ONCE TOLD BY SOMEONE WHO SAID THEY CARED THAT NO MAN IN HIS RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER LOVE ME.......WELL HES DEAD NOW AND HAS BEEN FOR 5 YEARS AND IM SURE THAT HE WAS RIGHT. I HAVE NOTHING BUT MY BRAIN TO OFFER SOMEONE, I HAVE THE LOGIC TO KNOW THAT MY THINKING ISNT RIGHT BUT YET I CANT HELP BUT FEEL IN MY HEART THAT ALL I REALLY WANT ILL NEVER GET. I KNOW I CAN BE CONTENT TO RAISE MY KIDS ALONE BUT I STILL WANT TO HAVE THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE TO HOLD ME AT NIGHT, TELL ME IM SPECIAL, HOLD ME, LOVE ME, OR JUST REINFORCE THAT IM VALUABLE IN SOME WAY. OK SO IT IS JUST A DREAM AND ILL WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME ND JUST GETELL ME WHY IT IS I CAN NEVER FEEL ADEQUATE ENOUGH? I HAVE PONDERED THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND I CANT COME UP WITH A SIMPLE ANSWER TO THIS ONE SEEMLY EASY QUESTION. I WAS LOVEED BY MY MOM AS A KID. I HAD A MARRAIGE THAT STARTED OUT SUCCESSFUL ENOUGH THEN THROUGH BOTH OUR FAULTS FAILED AND IM NOT UPSET THAT IT DID REALLY IT WAS BEST FOR BOTH OF US IN THE LONG RUN. I HAVE STARTED A FEW RELATIONSHIPS SINCE MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE PARTED WAYS YET IM NEVER HAPPY WITH THEM. I ALWAYS FIND FAULT WITH EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON IN THE RELATIONSHIP.I ALWAYS WANT TO JUST PLEASE THE OTHER PERSON AND I DONT REALLY CARE AT ALL ABOUT MY NEEDS AND IF THEY GET MET OR NOT. I MEAN COME ON I STAYED WITH ONE GUY AFTER HE HIT ME BECAUSE HE SAID HE WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN AND THEN HE DID IT TWICE MORE YET I STAYED....WHY, CUZ HE CONVINCED ME IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE ELSE. PRETTY MUCH ANY MAN IVE BEEN WITH HAS HAD ME CONVINCED OF THAT. MAYBE THEY ARE RIGHT, I GIVE IN TOO QUICKLY TO THEM, I DO WHAT THEY WANT AND WHEN THEY SAY IF YOU DONT THEN ILL LEAVE I SAY OK ILL DO IT FOR YOU. NOTHING ILLEGAL MIND YOU JUST STUPID REQUESTS LIKE GET ME SOMETHING OR DONT CRY SO I DONT. I KNOW YOUR READING THIS AND YOUR THINKING THIS GIRL IS REALLY SERIOUSLY WRONG. YOUR RIGHT I GUESS I AM IM LOOKING FOR THE ONE THING IM AFRAID I MAY NEVER FIND IN THIS LIFE AND I THINK IM FINALLY TRYING TO ACCEPT THAT. I WAS ONCE TOLD BY SOMEONE WHO SAID THEY CARED THAT NO MAN IN HIS RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER LOVE ME.......WELL HES DEAD NOW AND HAS BEEN FOR 5 YEARS AND IM SURE THAT HE WAS RIGHT. I HAVE NOTHING BUT MY BRAIN TO OFFER SOMEONE, I HAVE THE LOGIC TO KNOW THAT MY THINKING ISNT RIGHT BUT YET I CANT HELP BUT FEEL IN MY HEART THAT ALL I REALLY WANT ILL NEVER GET. I KNOW I CAN BE CONTENT TO RAISE MY KIDS ALONE BUT I STILL WANT TO HAVE THAT THAT IM VALUABLE IN SOME WAY. OK SO IT IS ME IM SPECIAL, HOLD ME, LOVE ME, OR JUST REINFORCE EAM AND ILL WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME ND JUST GET ON WITH MY LIFE, BUT LET IT BE KNOWN HERE AND NOW THAT ILL CONTINUE TO CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERYNIGHT, AND ILL CONTINUE TO FEEL CONPLETELY ALONE IN THIS CRAZY WORLD.T ON WITH MY LIFE, BUT LET IT BE KNOWN HERE AND NOW THAT ILL CONTINUE TO CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERYNIGHT, AND ILL CONTINUE TO FEEL CONPLETELY ALONE IN THIS CRAZY WORLD.

let me say hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mood:  happy
WELL HERE I AM STARTING ON ANOTHER SERVICE TO MEET EVEN MORE PEOPLE TO EXPAND MY LIFE AND MY CIRCLE OF FRIENDS. I MEAN WHY NOT WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOSE FROM ALL OF THIS. I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO GAIN. IM ALWAYS OPEN TO COMMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS FROM EVERYONE. I HAVE A LONG LIST OF DOS AND DONTS AS WELL AS WILLS AND WONTS. I HAVE ONLY ONE FAVOR TO ASK AND THATS DONT EVER LIE TO ME.....IT WILL DEFINATELY ENSURE I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN. I AM A BIG FAN OF SPEAKING SPANISH....I DONT KNOW A WHOLE LOT AND WHAT I KNOW I TRY TO EXPAND ON AS OFTEN AS I CAN.

I AM A SINGLE MOM WITH 4 GREAT BOYS AGES 11, 10, 6, AND 3. MATTHEW IS 11 AND IS IN THE 6TH GRADE, TRAVIS IS 10 AND IN THE 4TH GRADE, BRENT IS 6 AND IN THE 1ST GRADE AND SKYLAR IS 3 AND IN HEADSTART. I WANTED TO HAVE A GIRL BUT AS YOU CAN SEE I NEVER GOT ONE, IM VERY HAPPY WITH WHAT I DO HAVE THOUGH. THERE DAD IS NOT A PART OF THEIR LIVES AS HE LIVES 1000 MILES AWAY. HE DOESNT REALLY CALL THEM JUST ME AND ALL HE WANTS IS TO GET BACK TOGETHER. I DONT WANT HIM HE CHEATED ON ME AND LEFT US WITH NOTHING AT ALL.. I AM A MUCH BETTER PERSON WITHOUT HIM IN MY LIFE AND I LIKE IT THIS WAY. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW AND THINGS ARE PRETTY GOOD. MY HUSBAND DOESNT LIKE HIM BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND IS MEXICAN AND MY HUSBAND IS A RACIST. I LIKE PEOPLE FROM ALL RACES AND RELIGIONS. I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.

SO NOW YOU HAVE A LITTLE INSIGHT INTO THE WORLD OF ME. ANY MORE THAN THIS AND IM HAPPY TO TELL YOU.~AUDREY~

~why~
Mood:  not sure
Topic: ABOUT ME
TELL ME WHY IT IS I CAN NEVER FEEL ADEQUATE ENOUGH? I HAVE PONDERED THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND I CANT COME UP WITH A SIMPLE ANSWER TO THIS ONE SEEMLY EASY QUESTION. I WAS LOVEED BY MY MOM AS A KID. I HAD A MARRAIGE THAT STARTED OUT SUCCESSFUL ENOUGH THEN THROUGH BOTH OUR FAULTS FAILED AND IM NOT UPSET THAT IT DID REALLY IT WAS BEST FOR BOTH OF US IN THE LONG RUN. I HAVE STARTED A FEW RELATIONSHIPS SINCE MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE PARTED WAYS YET IM NEVER HAPPY WITH THEM. I ALWAYS FIND FAULT WITH EVERYTHING THAT GOES ON IN THE RELATIONSHIP.I ALWAYS WANT TO JUST PLEASE THE OTHER PERSON AND I DONT REALLY CARE AT ALL ABOUT MY NEEDS AND IF THEY GET MET OR NOT. I MEAN COME ON I STAYED WITH ONE GUY AFTER HE HIT ME BECAUSE HE SAID HE WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN AND THEN HE DID IT TWICE MORE YET I STAYED....WHY, CUZ HE CONVINCED ME IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE ELSE. PRETTY MUCH ANY MAN IVE BEEN WITH HAS HAD ME CONVINCED OF THAT. MAYBE THEY ARE RIGHT, I GIVE IN TOO QUICKLY TO THEM, I DO WHAT THEY WANT AND WHEN THEY SAY IF YOU DONT THEN ILL LEAVE I SAY OK ILL DO IT FOR YOU. NOTHING ILLEGAL MIND YOU JUST STUPID REQUESTS LIKE GET ME SOMETHING OR DONT CRY SO I DONT. I KNOW YOUR READING THIS AND YOUR THINKING THIS GIRL IS REALLY SERIOUSLY WRONG. YOUR RIGHT I GUESS I AM IM LOOKING FOR THE ONE THING IM AFRAID I MAY NEVER FIND IN THIS LIFE AND I THINK IM FINALLY TRYING TO ACCEPT THAT. I WAS ONCE TOLD BY SOMEONE WHO SAID THEY CARED THAT NO MAN IN HIS RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER LOVE ME.......WELL HES DEAD NOW AND HAS BEEN FOR 5 YEARS AND IM SURE THAT HE WAS RIGHT. I HAVE NOTHING BUT MY BRAIN TO OFFER SOMEONE, I HAVE THE LOGIC TO KNOW THAT MY THINKING ISNT RIGHT BUT YET I CANT HELP BUT FEEL IN MY HEART THAT ALL I REALLY WANT ILL NEVER GET. I KNOW I CAN BE CONTENT TO RAISE MY KIDS ALONE BUT I STILL WANT TO HAVE THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE TO HOLD ME AT NIGHT, TELL ME IM SPECIAL, HOLD ME, LOVE ME, OR JUST REINFORCE THAT IM VALUABLE IN SOME WAY. OK SO IT IS JUST A DREAM AND ILL WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ME ND JUST GET ON WITH MY LIFE, BUT LET IT BE KNOWN HERE AND NOW THAT ILL CONTINUE TO CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERYNIGHT, AND ILL CONTINUE TO FEEL CONPLETELY ALONE IN THIS CRAZY WORLD.

what me irritated??????
Mood:  irritated
Topic: IRRITATIONS
SOME OF YOU WHO KNOW ME FROM OTHER PLACES KNOW THAT I AM INVOLVED WITH A AMN NAMED RAFI. WE HAVE BEEN DATING FOR ABOUT 4 MONTHS NOW. MOST OF THE TIME THINGS ARENT TOO BAD BUT THE LAST COUPLE WEEKS I WANNA RUN AWAY AND ITS BOTH OUR FAULTS. I LIKE TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO TALKS TO ME AND HE DOESNT TALK TOO MUCH. I LIKE SOMEONE THAT CAN SPEND TIME WITH ME AND HE IS OUT OF TOWN MONDAY UNTIL FRIDAY NIGHT. ALL WOULDNT BE SO BAD ON THE WEEKND IF HE WIOULD JUST SPEND MOST OF HIS TIME WITH ME BUT HE DOESNT, HE COMES OVER LATE FRIDAY NIGHT AND SATURDAY EVENING THEN GOES HOME SUNDAY MORNING.....GEE DONT I FEEL SPECIAL, NOT. WE USUALLY GO OUT SOMEWHERE ON SATURDAYS AND THEN HAVE A LATE DINNER. I DONT THINK IM ASKING TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO SPEND TIME WITH ME...ALL I WANT IS TO TALK. I DONT NEED A MAN TO SPEND MONEY ON ME TO MAKE ME HAPPY.
I HAVE BEEN THINKING SERIOUSLY ABOUT JUST CALLING THE WHOLE THING OFF WITH HIM AND BEING ALONE. I MEAN I NEVER NEEDED A MAN IN MY LIFE TO MAKE ME HAPPY BEFORE. I CERTAINLY DONT NEED ONE NOW. HE CLAIMS TO LOVE ME AND MY KIDS AND THAT HE WANTS TO BE WITH US....GEE I DONT BELIEVE IT, TOO MANY LIES. I COULD SIT AND TELL SO MANY LIES BUT WHY BOTHER. THE BEST WAS LAST SUNDAY WHEN HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO WITH ME AND THE BOYS TO THE FESTIVAL LATINA. WE WERE TO MEET AT NOON.....YEA RIGHT...HA HA. THE KIDS AND I LEFT AT 1:30. KIDS AND I WENT BACK AT 3:30 WITH SOME FRIENDS AND CAME BACK HOME AT 6:00. I DID CALL HIM AT 1:00 TO SEE WHERE HE WAS, HE SAID HE WAS SLEEPING. I NEVER CALLED BACK CUZ I JUST DIDNT CARE. FOUND OUT THE NEXT DAY WHY HE DIDNT SHOW UP. HE WENT TO AN OLD GIRLFRIENDS HOUSE. I ALSO FOUND OUT THAT A HO FROM THE HOOD IS TRYING TO HOOK THE TWO OF THEM BACK UP...I SAY MORE POWER TO THE 2 OF THEM. IF THATS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME AND MY KIDS AND HE SUPPOSEDLY LOVES ME THEN I DONT NEED HIM AT ALL ANYWAY. TELL IF IM WRONG HERE BUT IM NOT ABOUT TO CRY OVER ANY MAN. I LEARNED MY LESSON A LONG TIME AGO WHEN MY HEART GOT CRUSHED BEYOND BELIEF, BUT THATS ANOTHER STORY. OK ENOUGH OF MY RAMBLING.......LOVE TO YOU ALL AND GEE FEEL FREE TO YELL AT ME OR GIVE ME GRIEF IF YOU NEED TO.

why im not afraid
Mood:  down
Topic: IRRITATIONS
EVEN THOUGH I MAY HAVE MET A COUPLE BAD APPLES ON THE INTERNET I HAVE MET SOME VERY AMAZING PEOPLE TOO. I WOULD HAVE TO SAY THAT THE GOOD TO BAD RATIO FAR OUTWEIGHS THE BAD TO GOOD. I FIND THAT IF IM WILLING TO PUT FORTH MY BEST EFFORT AND SHOW PEOPLE WHO I REALLY AM THEN WHO AM I HURTING, NOT ME I JUST MIGHT MEET A REALLY GREAT HUMAN BEING. I DONT HAVE ISSUES WITH GENDER OR RACE. I DONT CARE IF YOUR DISABLED OR WHAT COLOR HAIR YOU HAVE. ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME IS THAT YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO BE HONEST TO ME. I FEEL THAT I PUT MY BEST FOOT FORWARD IN ALL I DO AND THATS ALL I CAN ASK LET ALONE EXPECT FROM A POTENTIAL FRIEND AS WELL. I HAVE HAD SOME PRETTY NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES WITH CHAT ROOMS SO I LEARNED THAT THEY REALLY ARENT FOR ME. I DONT LIKE THE IDEA OF THE CYBER SEX CRAP...I MEAN GET REAL AND THIS WHOLE I HAVE TALKED TO YOU FOR 5 MINUTES GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER AND WE CAN HAVE PHONE SEX...MY ANSWER WAS ALWAYS THE SAME....NO!!!!!!!!! IF I WANT A RELATIONSHIP I WANT SOMEONE I CAN TOUCH AND FEEL. IF I WERE TO MEET SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET WHOM I MIGHT WANT TO KNOW BETTER SO BE IT, WHEN AND IF THAT WERE TO HAPPEN TO THAT TOTAL EXTREME. I NEVER KNOW WHERE LIFE WILL TAKE ME BUT IM ALWAYS WILLING TO FIND OUT. LIFE FOR ME IS AN ADVENTURE AND I BELIEVE I NEED TO BE OPEN TO SOME OF WHAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER. I HAVE FOUR KIDS SO I CANT BE ALL WILLY NILLY, BUT I CAN DO WHAT I CAN DO.